[personal] vol.83

## tired ##

tired

Autumn is here. The seasons aren’t slowly passing into each other any more. One day you get up, temperatures have changed and the sky is a different kind if grey. There is some sunshine, but it is never enough.
<small€
Last weekend i had a moment when i realized how much time and progress has been made since our older Niece was introduced to the world outside her mothers womb.
When she was a a few months old, she used to try and take my glasses off my head, being noticeably upset with the result not aligning with her expectations. Now she asks me if i could out my arm around her and she tells me about her new school and what new piece of tech or lifestyle accessory is considered cool at the moment[1]. And i feel odd because i know this is just a front and she is trying to communicate something deeper, like the sadness about one of her familie’s cats being missing and the social status she is currently inhabiting amongst her fellow pupils or how to deal with her mathematics teacher. I try to get to those deeper layers of the conversation because i don’t want to misinterpret what i hear. But kids don’t like to talk about pain, but who does anyway[2]? But she asks me about a teacher i was scared of, and it was also a stern mathematics teacher in my case. The story i told was not about how i was at the butt of her jokes a few times, but how she had a nice word for me when i mustered the strength to stand up and solve an equation on the blackboard with 20 pairs if eyes on my back awaiting my failure. But i was prepared and it went well and i got a good grade and something resembling a smile from her.
Yeah, our leading lady enters the phase of preparation for adulthood. Her mood changes, she is unsure and oddly enough, it’s not about outfits for her anymore[3] but about which smartphone shape works well with which fingernail form. And i feel helpless because my self-image is still that of an awkward teenager who is figuring himself out like a Rubik’s Cube.
I dig the talks with the Niece. It still amazes, humbles and honors me that this amazing person, that deals out words of wisdom on a regular schedule, lowers herself to my level for interaction. Like the visitor of a zoo that has the right to enter the cage and interact with the animals.

I’m convinced that someday she will just force her fist through my chest to rip out my heart as an invocation of a new age of man.

[1] currently Popsockets seem to be all the rage. and i get why, tried her’s out on my phone and it does make taking photos easier.
[2] male colleagues at the company i’m working at do. like they get some kind if price for having suffered through situations that could have been handled better by, shocking concept, asking for help.
[3] she has those down in her sleep. she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine/blog

– –


post credit scene:
Zencastr has become a the weakest link in our recording process. Currently i’m trying to salvage the latest episode of Asteroids In Exile from the mp3 backups….

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